So I am at the library today, and my kids are playing on the library’s computers. I am sitting next to my younger son, and my older son is at another computer down the table from me. In between us is a mom and her son. The mom is very busy on her phone, and she is not paying attention to her child AT ALL.
Her son goes from playing his magnetic puzzle nicely to poking my son in the face with the magnetic pen!! I wait a second for the mom to say something to her son, but she is so involved in her phone that she doesn’t even see this happen. I nicely say, “Please stop poking him.”
The mom now lifts her head up and says “He’s poking him?” She thinks that I am talking to my son, and that her son is getting poked. I calmly say (even though I want to scream and pull her hair all while berating her for not stopping her son from being mean) “No, your son was poking mine.”
Her response: “Oh.” And without saying anything else, she leads her son to a different puzzle at another table…and then turns back to her phone. (No apology from her or her son. Guess they both missed that life lesson about apologizing when you do something wrong.)
There is a whole lot of WRONG with this scenario. I hate having to say something to someone else’s child who is misbehaving, but even more so when the parent is right there. I am a middle school teacher, so I have to deal with plenty of misbehavior while I’m working. I don’t want to deal with it when I’m not at work too!
Another thing that I hate is wondering how that parent is going to react when I say something. This mom essentially did nothing…sometimes when I’ve said something, the other parent gives me a nasty look or makes a comment.
This mom’s son also learned that he could do what he wanted because his mom was otherwise engaged, and that there was no consequence to him being mean to another child. Perhaps if his mom had actually watched the situation play out, she would have done something to stop it. Or at the very least made him apologize for his actions.
But guess what? If you’re not going to get off your phone and be a parent, someone else will have to do it for you! I think that this is a growing problem in today’s society. Too many parents think, “Where can I take my child so that they are occupied…and where can I sit on my phone/laptop/Kindle/device with few distractions?” I have watched parents not even bother to look up at their children in a variety of places…the library, the park, indoor playgrounds, the movie theater…you name a place, and you will find parents blissfully ignorant of what their children are doing while they are nose-deep in their technology.
While today I am mostly irritated with these tech-obsessed parents because of my library run-in, there are also days that I feel sad for them. Sad for what they are missing while they are checking Facebook. Sad for what they didn’t see their child accomplish on the playground. Sad that while they were texting their friend, their child had a moment to be proud of…but no one saw it, because no one was watching.
I was at the park one day with my boys, and another little boy kind of played near us. He was clearly desperate for some sort of interaction and didn’t want to play by himself. His dad was sitting in a swing, busy with his phone the entire time they were at the park. At one point, the little boy climbed up to the top of a piece of playground equipment, and said “Dad, look at me!” His dad’s first response was “Just a minute.”
I watched the little boy wait there at the top, and again he shouted “Dad, look!” Without looking up from his phone, he said “Nice job buddy!” But that little boy was watching his dad NOT watch him, and seeing his face fall and the smile disappear from his face was enough to make me think this: I don’t ever want to miss the special moments in my children’s lives because I’m too busy doing less important things, like updating my Facebook status.
I’m definitely not a perfect role model for not ever being on my phone. But when it’s important, my phone is down and my kids are the focus of my attention. I read an amazing book called “Hands Free Mama” by Rachel Macy Stafford that is all about letting go of distractions to “grasp what really matters.” I would highly recommend it if you sometimes feel sucked in by the day-to-day rush of things in a way that keeps you from fully participating in your own life. She talks about not giving up technology, but limiting its use. There is a time and a place for everything. Make sure that you realize that the next time you pick up your phone.
So I would say to all parents: make sure that you are a PRESENCE in your child’s life, not just merely present. You are not really doing your child any good at his baseball game if you are checking out Pinterest rather than cheering his team on. You aren’t really present at your daughter’s tea party if you’re scrolling through Facebook while she serves you cookies.
Decide what matters most to you, and then put your attention there. Your child will thank you for it someday. And you will probably thank yourself, because you won’t have missed your child’s life behind the glow of a screen.
*I challenge you to spend at least three evenings (dinner until bedtime) in a row with your kid/s and have all of your devices put away. I have done this, and it’s amazing what you will discover about your kids and/or your reliance on electronics/social media. If you try this, let me know what you discover in the comments section!
Amazing article and oh so true! Will definitely try this challenge! “
Thanks Josie! I originally did this challenge when I read the book that I mentioned, and it’s amazing how many times I pointlessly checked my phone/Kindle just because it was there and I could. I try much harder now to put things down and just enjoy the boys!
Wow that was strange. I just wrote an very long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Regardless, just wanted to say excellent blog!
Thank you ever so for you blog article. Great.